I Did Everything Right, and I Still Found the Binary
There’s a grief no one talks about
Not the grief of being excluded
But the grief of being included
& finding out inclusion meant erasure too
I’ve lived freely
Proudly
I’ve told the truth about who I am
I didn’t hide
I didn’t bend
I’ve been called brave
I’ve been called beautiful
I’ve been called honest
&
Phobic
But here’s the part no one sees
The part that doesn’t fit on a flag or a feed
The people who’ve treated me the worst
Who’ve harassed, dismissed, undermined, and violated me
Have not been the expected villains
Not straight men
Not conservatives
Not the mainstream
No
It’s been queer people
Gay people
Trans people
Women
The ones I thought would understand
As a non-conforming female
I walk through the world with no mask
Not because I’m trying to be radical
But because I can’t do the performance
I’ve tried
God, I’ve tried
I’ve worn the clothes
Used the words
Adapted to the trends
I’ve sat in rooms with other women thinking
This time maybe I’ll finally be seen
This time maybe I won’t have to explain
This time she’ll meet me outside the binary and we’ll build something new
But every time
Every date
Every girlfriend
The rules return
Unspoken, but sharp
The expectations reappear
The performance is back
And the mask is waiting at the door
Be femme
But not too femme
Be soft
But not passive
Be masculine
But only if you also become “not-woman”
Match her polarity
Compliment her image
Balance her binary
& I can’t do it
Not because I don’t want to
But because my body won’t lie for me
I was born this way
Not just gay
But unassimilated
I thought being a lesbian meant freedom from the binary
But what I found was a reconstruction of the same architecture
A different wallpaper, maybe
But still a house of roles
Of assignments
Of costumes
& here’s the truth that makes people uncomfortable
I don’t want to perform a gender
I don’t want to date a gender
I want to be
With someone who is also being
Not acting
Not coding
Not branding
Just being
& yet
Every time I show up that way
I am punished for it
Not by the world I was taught to fear
But by the world I was promised would hold me
& that’s the grief
Not that I couldn’t find love
But that even in love
I couldn’t find freedom
Even in bed
Even in trust
The binary was there
Crawling under the door
Rewriting the script in real time
I did everything right
& I still found the binary
Staring back at me in the eyes of someone I wanted to love
So if you see me pulling away
If you see me walking alone
Don’t assume I failed to belong
Understand that I saw the truth
& couldn’t keep pretending
Sovereign people don’t walk away because they’re cold
They walk away because they’re done wearing a mask to be touched
Done being policed by the people who say they’re radical
Done being reconstructed into a shape they never chose
This Pride
Grieve with me
Grieve the hope you had for something freer
Grieve the lies we wrapped in glitter
Grieve the truth that queerness hasn’t saved us from performance
It’s just written new roles
Then
Let’s burn the script
Let’s build something real
Let’s stop making shape a requirement for touch
Let’s stop needing legibility to deserve love
Sov4Sov
I still believe in us
But not in the us that plays dress-up for systems
In the us that strips down
-&
